I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
