you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
