Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
