Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
only if we run a train.
done.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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