I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
this boner is exhausting
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
