I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
