Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
