I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
