I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
