i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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