Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
