Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
