Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
