I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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