gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
