The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
