I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize