I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
