You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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