did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It was confusing and full of hummus
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
