I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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