Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
