Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
she peed on how many people?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
