her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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