guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
