so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Dear god my vagina.
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