Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
