There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
