She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize