and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
