I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
