I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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