proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
