You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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