oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
