The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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