I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
