apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
that's an acceptable place to lick
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
