I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
