You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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