I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
