Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
