So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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