last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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