Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
