The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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