There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
