How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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