Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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