bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Even my vagina gasped.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
