Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize