My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
