I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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