I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
This baby is an asshole
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
