So drunk its hurt
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
