Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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