Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
