if you like me you must not know who I am
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
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