I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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