i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize