I wish i was in the wii world.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
