Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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