I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
