I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
