the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
