At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
