I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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