just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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