he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
